Insurance Claims
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words as possible.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought the window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
The indirect cause of the crash was the little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.
A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the enbankment.
In and attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to crash.
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
To avoid hitting the bumper in front of me, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end..
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
"The Hiker."
A farmer in an old truck was driving to town when he spotted a hiker carrying a heavy backpack and a big suitcase. Being a caring man, the farmer pulled over and asked the young man if he wanted a ride. Even though the truck looked like it was about to fall apart, the young man put his suitcase in the cab and climbed aboard. But the farmer was confused when he noticed that the man was still wearing the backpack. "Why don't you take a load off, sonny, and put that pack in the back with your suitcase?" asked the farmer. The hiker responded, "That's very kind of you sir, but I wasn't sure if the truck could carry the extra weight, so I thought I'd carry it myself."
You Might Be A Redneck If:
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Redneck Computer Terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
It's A Boy...
Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
