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HELP!!! *From the Parents* (Humour)

Updated: May 21, 2020

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be, I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.” Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking. We are NOT ok. I told the kids we were starting homeschool at 9am and they all are hiding from me in their rooms with the doors locked so is this winning? It feels like winning. I moved a table into the living room so the kids would have a cute little workspace/desk area to sit at while they whine. 25 years from now kids everywhere will be like, “I remember the spring of 2020, that’s when I learned how much liquor it takes to be a parent” Day 3... there were a few tears and tantrums today (mainly mine!) over multiples of ten- and double-digit sums. As someone who considers themselves almost numerically dyslexic, I’m literally revisiting the darkest corners of my academic childhood on a daily basis at the moment. 9-year-old: Can you help me with a math problem? Me: Yes. 9: *starts reading the problem* Me: No. Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honours Laundry and AP Vacuuming.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement. Like my kids saying, "Make us breakfast!" And my wife adding, "GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN'T SICK!" Don’t underestimate a child's ability to grasp what's happening right now. I've discussed the pandemic and social distancing with my 4-year-old and she's decided to speak 3 inches from my face instead of the normal 1 inch. No school, Day 1 7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers... we’ll get through this! 8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus* [MATH CLASS] Tween, the student: *secretly texting under the table* Me, the teacher: *secretly texting under the table* My 4yo has informed me that her favourite animals (in order) are: 1. Unicorns 2. Cats 3. Mermaids 4. Fairies 5. Rainbows I’ve homeschooled my kids for 1 day and I’ve already learned so much, like their teachers need a huge raise and also, I should never ever be a teacher. My two younger sons are using this quarantine time to do distance learning with their school, completing assignments every day.

My two older sons who are in college just got done building a beer die table.


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