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How to Tell If You Are Ready to Have a Child




MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.


TOY TEST

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen in the middle of the night. Do not scream.


GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.


DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus and stuff it into a small net bag, making sure that all the arms stay inside.


FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Then dump the contents of the jug on the floor.


NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.


AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice

cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your

clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. Try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won’t be wearing them for a while.


PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.


FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on

how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.


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