**MAYBE MAKE NOTE THAT THIS IS A JOKE AND IS TO BE TAKEN AS SUCH. PEOPLE GET THEIR PANTIES IN A BUNCH NOWADAYS
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original colour. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me." Same work - more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.