It was my dad’s birthday last month. He really soaked up all the attention and kept celebrating late into the month. Finally, I had had enough. Why is he getting so many celebrations and I’m sitting here not getting my regular 2-walks a day because “it’s too cold”??
So, I did what any sensible dog in my situation would do: I faked an injury.
The first step was creating the plan. I had it all mapped out in my head. I wanted to write it all down but… no opposable thumbs. I began creating this plan when they were gone on vacation and left us home alone with a stranger. I was pretty mad about that whole situation but peeing and pooping on their floor didn’t seem to showcase my complete disapproval.
Step 1: Remind them of my quirks.
So what if it’s -35°C outside? Sometimes I need to go outside and take my sweet time. I wanted to remind them of this so I practiced a few times before I put my plan into action. I went outside, in -35°C weather, and stayed out there longer than normal. I walked around, smelling everything, peeing on a few spots I hadn’t previously peed on. Then I came back inside.
Step 2: Say you have to “go outside.”
I walked to the back door and spun around like normal. They didn’t suspect a thing. I went outside and the plan was put into action. Stella, the dumb girl dog who lives with me, went back inside quickly after peeing. She was never made aware of my plan so she was none the wiser. Not that it would have mattered; she’s pretty dumb. I didn’t come back to the door when she went back, but because of Step 1, they didn’t really notice.
Step 3: Still don’t come back.
I will admit, I should have waited to put my plan into action when it was slightly warmer outside. Staying outside in that cold of a temperature wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done. But it was too late to go back now. I stayed outside. In the freezing temperature. Longer than I wish I had. Mom called for me but I stayed put.
Step 4. Wait until someone finds you.
Dad came outside to shovel and he found me. I was curled up outside, in the snow, freezing my little butt off. I have never been so cold in my entire life. He called me inside and I couldn’t move. I just laid there. He had to pick me up and bring me into the garage. He then yelled at mom for leaving me outside. That was a very nice, unexpected touch to my plan.
Step 5: Wait for the love.
And did it ever come. NO ONE remembered dad’s birthday after this. They were carrying me around, hugging me, crying over me, trying to offer me cheese. I just soaked it all in. I laid in my bed, shivering, pretending I couldn’t walk. They thought I had had a stroke, or broke my back.
I revelled in the attention. I continued to pretend I couldn’t walk. I kept them thinking this was my last night on Earth. Then something happened that I didn’t expect: I had to pee. Oh man did I have to pee. I thought maybe they’d forget so I stood up normally and walked to the back door. But they didn’t forget. They looked at me with a cocked eyebrow. But hey, I had to pee. So they let me back outside.
I then ended my charade. I was fine, and they seemed relieved. But the whole basis of my plan was perfectly met: dad’s hundredth birthday celebration of the month was forgotten and everyone only worried about me. Success!!