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Diary OF A SNOW SHOVEL-ER

December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window just watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. It was so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? I shovelled for the first time this year and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!


December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow... Such a disappointment! My neighbour, Bob, tells me not to worry - we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Neighbour Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbour.


December 16

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again... I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.


December 24

Neighbour Bob was right about the white Christmas – 13 inches of that white crap fell last night. It’s packed so hard by the snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b---- who drives that snow plough, I’ll drag him through the snow and beat him with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at 100 km an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.


December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil... God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to lose it.


January 8

Snowed in. Why the hell does anyone even live here? It had to be all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.


January 16

The temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


January 20

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The wife is driving me crazy!!!


January 31

10 more inches. Neighbour Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?


February 1

Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, for not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his butt. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.


February 2

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shovelling.



February 15

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


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